Hey everyone, it’s been a while since my last post. Trust me I have had two other posts written up but have just not found the time or patience to post them.
I am spending every waking moment in editing, and this is not even an exaggeration. I am crawling, and… I’m leaving to go work now. No patience to write this…
I WROTE THIS ALMOST THREE WEEKS AGO LMAO.
I just dug out the draft. Now I’ll continue. I have been working… EVERY WAKING MOMENT. Well every waking moment I’m not on instagram or preoccupied by the day job. I even started drinking coffee to keep me awake longer, however it seems like even that’s not working.
It’s all good. I’m halfway done editing that first part, and it looks good, but today, I just had to stop. Right now I have a headache.
I was rushing as usual to get my usual quota for the day done, and I just couldn’t. I felt drained, and emptied, and I felt like i wasn’t doing my best. It all felt like a chore. So I stopped.
I was complaining, and unhappy, and so I stopped.
Because writing is not just a job to me. When I’m working on this book, I should be happy, and not rushing to get it finished. I should be excited and obsessive, and I have been ever since I started, except today. Actually this week, I think it all just dawned on me today…
AGAIN, I STOPPED THIS POST.
It’s saturday night now, two days later. Here’s what I simply wanted to say.
Shonda Rhimes talked about a hum… the hum she got from doing what she loved so much which was writing. However when that became all she did, the hum disappeared. She later discovered why. In her words…
‘Work does not work, without play.’
Throughout this week, the work I love, felt like a chore. It consumed my every waking moment not because I was so engrossed in it, but because I needed to finish it. I want to finish it right now.
Two days ago, I realized this, and stopped. I was unhappy because I was so slow, and I was slow because editing, and research and doing all the thing that I claim to love as I work on this book, is hard work.
I forgot about that.
I forgot that no matter how natural it seems, that its going to take time. Sometimes I am going to miss the deadlines I set for myself, and at other times, I will feel drained and emptied of the flow, and the words, and the magic.
I stopped because I caught myself feeling unhappy whilst doing what I claimed to love most in the world. Because the faster I finish it, the faster I can get the things that I want the success of this work to provide for me.
I stopped because I asked myself, what if it doesn’t happen? What if you finish, and you’re disappointed yet again?
So I closed my laptop, and said this to myself.
My number one goal in life is not to be the most successful, or the richest. My number one goal is to be happy, and one of the most important things i have learnt in my life is that things… anything that can be acquired with money can and will never make you happy. True happiness comes from within, regardless of what is going on around you. Therefore, if I cannot find happiness in the rain, then I also will not find it in the sunlight.
True happiness emanates from within.
My mind went to Shonda Rhimes’s words, so I put away my deadline from my head, and erased all thoughts concerning my book. I told myself this:
“Take the day off, and do not do anything work related. Go home, and do something that will make you laugh or cry with abandon. Do not use your brain, only use your heart.”
So I went home, and searched for a korean drama to watch. At this point in my life, those thoroughly take me away. However, nothing caught my attention. I started a few and I just couldn’t be sucked into anything. I was terrified. Had I lost my hum? I couldn’t pick up my book again if I couldn’t find that love for stories that drives me to create. I couldn’t go back to work, so I entertained myself with youtube videos of Big-Bang.
BTW, I am now obsessed with G-Dragon.
Anyway, this evening I found a story. It is a new drama called ‘W’ and from the first episode, I was sucked in.
It is now 7 hours later, and my hum is back. As I watched, i kept saying to myself:
“this is what i want to do; this is what i love doing; this is what i was born to do”
The hum is back. So now I’m off to continue my work, but this week i learnt the true meaning of Shonda Rhimes’s words. No matter how much you love something, you must always remember that ‘work is work, and play is play’.
One can never, and will never work without the other.
Today I played, and it has refueled me.
I AM BACK!